Top 10 Celebrity Pornstaches

The pornstache. Don’t shrug your shoulders at me. You know what I’m talking about. It seemed like most male porn stars of the 70’s and 80’s had a mustache that made you stare at their facial hair more than their, well, that other part of them they weren’t shy about showing and using. Well, that’s what I’ve heard anyway. Think Ron Jeremy style pornstache.

There’s something about a man and his facial hair. Confident, dangerous and mysterious. Maybe it’s the way he strokes his facial hair when contemplating whether or not he should order a dirty martini or a shot of whiskey. Maybe it’s the way the sun glistens against his mustache as he pilots his boat in the marina. Whatever it is, it’s damn sexy.

However, not all facial hair is created equal. With good pornstaches come the very, very bad.

There’s that guy who looks like a creepier version of your Uncle Steve (yeah, it’s possible) who sits at the diner counter and eats clam chowder and it gets all over his mustache and when he tries to wipe it away, the mess only gets worse.  There’s that music teacher you had in high school who looked like he could have been cool at one point in his life, but then his mustache took over his entire face and he started hitting on every girl in your class. Gross. He even winked at you a couple times. Double gross.

To celebrate the good, the bad and the ugly, here are the top 10 pornstaches ever (worn by non-porn stars, that is).

Matthew McConaughey

Playing the part of David Wooderson in the movie, McConaughey was both the cool cat and the creepy guy who just couldn’t let go of his high school years. He looked like he just stepped off a ‘70’s porn set. As Wooderson says “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

Geraldo Rivera

Geraldo Rivera
Image courtesy of Fox News

I can’t stand Geraldo, but he does have a mean pornstache. I probably would hate on him less if he kept his pornstache from verging on the “handlebar” look. I’m half expecting him to come out in some get-up from the 1920’s lifting some weights. Oh, Geraldo, how I still wish you had actually found something in Al Capone’s vault.

Tom Selleck

Image courtesy of Movember Australia

Tom Selleck could have probably worn ugly-ass parachute pants and driven a Renault and still he would have had women fawning over him. Thank goodness he didn’t, and he’ll always be Magnum P.I. to me.

Burt Reynolds

Burt Reynolds Used to Give Lonnie Anderson Rides on that Stache
Image courtesy of Celebritiesfans.com

Burt Reynold's was the consumate man of th 70's and 80's. Good looks, Lonnie Anderson, and a stache to die for. He's best known for his roles in Sharky's Machine and Smokey and the Bandit. Come to think of it, Smokey and the Bandit (and don’t forget Smokey and the Bandit 2 and 3!) must have been written by a drunken frat boy. Who else would write a movie about transporting Coors beer across state lines, truckers and a Trans Am? Anyway, I’d like to see Burt Reynold's pornstache mud wrestle with Tom’s. Bring it on!

Hulk Hogan

Hulkamania is Running Wild!
Image courtesy of Zimbio.com

Like Dwayne Johnson (The Rock!) now, Hulk Hogan transcended past the confines of the WWE (then the WWF) and for many years was a total superstar. Thank goodness you changed your name, Terry Gene Bollea, or else people would have snickered when you came out wearing those red and yellow boas. What would Vince McMahon and pro wrestling have done without you and your perfectly blonde pornstache?

Sunny Bono

Sonny Bono
Image courtesy of Alhazan.com

Sonny Bono was a singer, an actor, a music producer, a scientoligist, a husband a few times, a father of four and a politician. His life was cut short when he suffered serious injuries during a skiing accident, but the memories and the beat goes on here when we talk about pornstaches. When you see the pic above, do you even have to ask how he got Cher?

Salvador Dali

Salvador Dali - Master Artist with Hot Pornstache to Boot!
Image courtesy of Scene Stealers

Salvador Dali was definitely an evil genius, no doubt. I bet you he could probably write and direct a movies so dark and powerful that it could put Jules Jordan to shame. I wonder, if Dali ever shaved his pornstache, would his art have been as good? I think not, my friends, I think not.

Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy
Image courtesy of MidwestSportsFan.com

Next to scotch, there's probably nothing that Ron Burgundy likes as much as a nice piece of ass, so it does not surprise me that Will Ferrell sports one hell of a pornstache.

In Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy his pornstache says it all doesn’t it? He's crass, chauvanist, lame and sometimes funny. Please just promise me you will never, ever make a sequel to Land of the Lost.

Alex Trebek

A Younger, Studlier Alex Trebek!
Image of Alex Trebek courtesy of Giantbomb.com

Alex Trebek might have shaven off the pornstache and he's even more condescending than ever on Jeopardy especially when he's upset and swearing). Yes, folks, the pornstache made him a little nicer.

John Oates

John Oates with the Curles and Hot Pornstache - Wonder if he could handle Jenna?
Image courtesy of Hot Beans Blog

Yes, John Oates is the other half of Hall and Oates, and he, too, has shaved off his pornstache. Bad mistake, John. Bad mistake!

Honorable Mention

Although they didn't quite make the cut, the following celebs are worth mentioning for the pornstaches they've sported at one time or another:

  • Brad Pitt - Too Hitler like
  • Orlando Bloom - You're still an elf to me
  • Ewan McGregor - Um, you’re creeping me out, dude!
  • James Franco - Not bad, unless I know you, then you look like someone on the FBI’s Most Wanted list
  • Borat - Don't know why Pam Anderson wouldn't marry him?
  • And whoever the guy in thie next link is because he has a full body pornstache! He should be famous.

Did we miss one or do you have a favorite of your own? If so, please visit our forums and discuss your best celebrity pornstache there!

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